I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
