my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
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