jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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