she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
