I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
