i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
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He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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