You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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