Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
