god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
