Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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