I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
