Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
