his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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