You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
