Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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