I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
