woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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