You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
