so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I am midnight drunk by noon
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
you are never too drunk for berry picking
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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