perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
