New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
