dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
no you cant smoke seaweed
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
