i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
