Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
