I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
