two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
