I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just threw up on my dentist
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
