Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
