Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
