when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
