I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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