No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
