Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
