Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
