I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
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