Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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