a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
