I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
