he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
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