I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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