Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
