don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
