this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
