I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
