I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
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woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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