My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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