I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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