I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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