u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Randomize
