Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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