I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
If I die, sorry about rent.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now