i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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