my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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