Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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