need another drink. this is the easiest way
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
being pregnant is like rehab
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Randomize
